Sunday, February 26, 2012

Why we aren't rear facing


Welcome to the "I'm a Natural Parent - BUT..." Carnival


This post was written for inclusion in the carnival hosted by The Artful Mama and Natural Parents Network. During this carnival our participants have focused on the many different forms and shapes Natural Parenting can take in our community.


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I could talk about a lot of things for this carnival. Weaning my daughter before she was ready, hating co-sleeping, feeding her junk food, among many others. But I don't feel like less of a Natural Parent for those things. I can accept that they work or don't work for our family and are valid choices to make.
Silly mommy!
But there's one thing I am always afraid to admit, so that's what I'm going to talk about. We turned Moira around in her car seat when she was one. I've had people stop talking to me at play dates when I admitted it, and most of the parents I know are avid supporters of extended rear facing, so you can see why I'm a little gun shy.
I'm going to assume that by now you all know that it's a good idea to keep your kid rear facing until at least 2, longer if you can. If not, read this. I agree with everything in that article, but here's the thing. I turned Moira around as soon as legally allowable in this state. I did that knowing full well that she was more likely to die or get seriously hurt in a car accident. If the legal age in Washington had been 2, I don't know what we would have done, other then stop going anywhere. Because she cried in the car, all the time, unless someone was sitting next to her, and frequently she would still cry. There was nothing I could do from the drivers seat that would stop her from crying, although I still drove one handed most of the time so she could suck on my finger WHILE she cried.
Probably this was just temporary, and if I'd waited she would have grown out of it and returned to being a happy passenger. I will never know. But I don't regret my decision. She was miserable. I was distracted. I was almost involved in a number of accidents because I was distracted. And as much as she was safer facing backwards, she was more safe if we didn't get in an accident in the first place. I have every intention of keeping Davis rear facing for as long as possible.
Every time there is a new article about extending rear facing, it circulates through my friends on Facebook. And then some one links to an article about why there are never any good reasons for turning your child around, usually with some sort of "what will it take to convince you?" in the comments. And the answer is nothing. I'm already convinced, but it didn't and doesn't matter.
This is the worst way to convince someone. Especially someone who made a different decision. People who feel attacked dig in their heels, and shut out your more reasonable arguments. I can (but won't) link to similar articles about the AMA or AAP's stance on homebirth (are you crazy?) and vaccines (do it now or we will all die!). In both cases they aim to convince a smallish section of the population do something they think will keep them alive longer, but I know for a fact that their arguments don't convince their target audience of anything. I'm a proud home birthing, alternative vaccine scheduling, not rear facing mama. I made these choices after research, based on what worked best for our family. I will make some decisions different this time around, but I'm not going to let anyone shame me into making those different decisions.

(Full disclosure. I started writing this almost a year ago, and then got too nervous to post it. I'm glad this carnival gave me the nudge I needed.)



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37 comments:

  1. Ashley @ Mama RawFebruary 26, 2012 at 8:14 AM

    I appreciate your honesty! I turned my daughter around at 11 months. It was a few months later that I heard about extended rear facing. I'm not sure what I'll do with my son who's now 5 months. I really don't want to extend the rear sentence past one year even if it is safer. :/

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  2. UnknownFebruary 26, 2012 at 9:33 AM

    Oh, Shannon, I am so sorry you have felt judged and shunned for this (obviously very thoughtful, conscious, and informed) decision you made. If anything I've ever posted made you feel that way, I am truly sorry. I'll tell you now, if Daniel had never gotten content riding in the car, we would've turned him around by now. It's SO clear to me that you parent with intention and grace, and you don't deserve to feel bad for making the best decision for your family. Love and hugs to you!

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  3. Walden MommyFebruary 26, 2012 at 9:51 AM

    Uh, let's just say I agree with everything in this article and have had the screaming baby in the car... more than once. My yuoungest once screamed bloody murder on an 11 hour road trip. He just hated everything about his car seat and is much happier forward facing.

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  4. UnknownFebruary 26, 2012 at 12:01 PM

    a mamas gotta do what a mamas gotta do! :)

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  5. Lauren WayneFebruary 26, 2012 at 1:01 PM

    Having a screaming child in the car is awful. That's why Sam still rides back there with Alrik — it doesn't always keep him from screaming, but it makes me feel like something's being done at least. That, however, doesn't solve the (many) times I'm in the car without Sam (or vice versa), which is why we started using pacifiers. Ah, well, you do what you can.

    I agree that the convincing (aka beating over the head) arguing is ineffectual. Which is why I still drink diet soda and eat sugar! Oh, I know, but it's still my choice what to do about the knowledge.

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  6. FabulousMamaChroniclesFebruary 26, 2012 at 1:08 PM

    My son was the same way, and although he got better once he moved from a bucket seat to a convertible one, he still did not enjoy trips out until he was well over one. I can sympathize with your anxiety around the issue, having had a screaming baby in the car which also broke my heart. I have the luxury of not needing to drive myself so I was able to stay in back with him to distract him while we drove. With us, he eventually outgrew it (now at 20 months) he is pleasant in the car and enjoys babbling about the things he sees and I no longer have to sit in the back with him anymore. It was difficult to deal with at the time but it did pass. Although we choose to keep him rear-facing for the reasons that you are well aware of, I understand why some choose differently. I personally don’t feel it worth the risk but I’m not the one having to concentrate on driving either. I never asked my husband how he dealt with it, I probably should though!

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  7. melissa v.February 26, 2012 at 2:07 PM

    Shannon, thank you for writing this! =D I appreciate your thought process and how thoughtful your decision to turn Moira around was.
    I think extended rear facing is great! But I don't do it either.
    I appreciate that you are open minded about possibly doing things differently in future, depending upon your child (child led!! also a crunchy philosophy!), and possibly not.
    Don't feel guilty! You made a good decision based on valid reasons.

    Thank you!

    (and it was nice to meet you IRL yesterday. your baby is gorgeous, and you are really fun)

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  8. AnonymousFebruary 26, 2012 at 2:08 PM

    When people tell us that our child would be horrible injured in an accident since we turned him around at 14 months I can honestly tell them that my almost 9 year old son was in a head on collision forward facing at 13 months and is just fine. I know how to install carseats properly and honestly the way the seat sat backwards in my minivan was unsafe and culdn't be steadied. Being a mom for nine years people are always going to tell you that you are doing something wrong. I also honestly believe these new reccomendations were in light of the distracted driving epidemic and the sd thing is others (and maybe some parents out there) are making the roads unsafer.
    Sorry I read your article and had to reply.

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  9. LindseyFebruary 26, 2012 at 2:36 PM

    You've done such a wonderful job expressing what works for you and why, Shannon. You've got the information and you made/ are making your own choices (and not breaking any laws). Also, my two cents: when I share car seat safety information, it is never with the intention to change a made-up, informed mind, but to plant a seed for my many friends without children and just beginning their families. They often have no idea that there are new recommendations.

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  10. Dionna @ Code Name: MamaFebruary 26, 2012 at 3:18 PM

    I've already told you that we did the same thing. Unless you have had a child who screams every second in the car, you simply cannot know how traumatizing and yes, dangerous, it can be. Knock on wood - Ailia is a different child, and like you, I hope to do differently.

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  11. Lani @ Boobie TimeFebruary 26, 2012 at 3:52 PM

    I agree with you we lasted till 15months and then he went forward and it has been smooth sailing since. We talk, sing, look for buses, trucks and trains. I am sorry you have been judged for this. I happy car makes a safer driver.

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  12. EmilyFebruary 26, 2012 at 3:52 PM

    I go back and forth about switching Baz and what I"ve decided is that it will likely happen when Rerun comes in august and he moves to the passenger side of the car. For purely selfish reasons - I can pass him things that he can use to entertain rerun with.

    We went through a long period of car-shrieking and if it had continued after his first birthday, I may have switched him. We lucked out, though, and all it took was switching to the convertible seat.

    I'm sorry people shut you out of the conversation when you tell them. Makes you wonder what they're hiding, eh?

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  13. Lisa @ Organic Baby AtlantaFebruary 26, 2012 at 3:52 PM

    Yes yes yes. I turned my daughter around at 11 months and I am still glad I did. We had to drive 10 hours that month and I couldn't do it kneeling over the car seat with my boob in her mouth (which is how we did the same trip when she was 3 months old). I think turning her around was safer than having me not in a seatbelt at all!

    I pretty much gave up driving for the first year of her life. Turning her around was wonderful. Suddenly I had freedom again--I wasn't bound to the 3-mile walking radius from our house.

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  14. Kerry McDonald, M.Ed.February 26, 2012 at 3:55 PM

    Such an important confession. We also turned all of our kids to front-facing at 1 year old and don't have any guilt about it. I've learned it's better to trust our instincts when weighing various recommendations.

    -Kerry @ City Kids Homeschooling

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  15. TerriFebruary 26, 2012 at 4:24 PM

    Well Shannon if people will blast you for forward facing they'll probably want to crucify me....we don't have any car seats at all. Where I live it is not legally enforced - in fact even wearing seat belts is optional and most people I know do not wear them. Coming from the UK (I moved to Dominica 8 years ago) I'm aware of the rules, the safety issues etc but on a limited island budget car seats are one luxury we can't afford to import right now. When we visited the UK last year they had to be in car seats and while I enjoyed not having a kid on my lap (on the back seat of course not driving!)I did find it very irritating that I couldn't cuddle up to my babes when they were upset and screaming and instead had to force them into a seat. I don't have a car right now so the kids are always in the back with me in the family car but I look forward to the day when I'm in the driving seat and they are in car seats...and when that happens they will be forward facing!

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  16. Jenn @ Monkey Butt JunctionFebruary 26, 2012 at 5:54 PM

    I have a friend who turned her son around early because he would get so upset when he couldn't see his mama that he would cry until he threw up - NOT a safe thing at all! She tried everything and then finally solved the problem by turning his carseat around.

    The bottom line is that you have to do what's best for your family. We aren't all cookie cutters - we all have different needs. Thanks for your honesty - it sounds like you did the right thing for your little one.

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  17. KatFebruary 26, 2012 at 5:54 PM

    This is a great example of making an informed decision! Thank you for sharing!

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  18. ShannonFebruary 26, 2012 at 7:38 PM

    I completely understand why you did what you did. My daughter screamed bloody murder everywhere that we went, and we can't go anywhere that isn't at least 20 minutes, usually 45 each way. She did finally get better and talks to herself or her baby dolls and has a snack or some milk. Now she is 16 months old and still not heavy enough to turn around (she is 20 pounds fully clothed...winter coat and all). We still have her rear facing because she does fine now, but if she still screamed, we would have turned her around. It's a recommendation, not a law.

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  19. Fine and FairFebruary 26, 2012 at 7:58 PM

    Thanks for sharing your perspective, I think it's one that many people miss! We still rear face Delilah at almost 2.5 because has continued to work well for us. I'm sure we would have turned around by now if she got upset like that, a screaming baby while driving could be a dangerous distraction!

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  20. Rachel @ Lautaret BohemietFebruary 26, 2012 at 9:25 PM

    First, I want to say - great post! Being judged sucks, no matter what, but it especially sucks when you have a brain, and you're using it to make the best decision for your family, and strangers (and friends) second guess it.

    Secondly, I want to say... WHAT? In Washington State you can turn the kid around at ONE?! I live in Washington. I am turning my child around ASAP. (Shame on me for not knowing that the age was 1, instead of 2). I think our life will be much easier when we get the little dude a new carseat and he can face foward (he's 19 months... it's time.)

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  21. AnonymousFebruary 26, 2012 at 9:32 PM

    It sounds like you did what works for you and your child, and isn't that all we can do? We couldn't wait to turn E around; she instantly became a much happier passenger. J and A stayed longer, but that's because they had company back there :-) I do miss the days I could get back there for long car rides, though . . . now we have three car seats across the back of our sedan; no space! Our youngest is now almost 16 months and still rear-facing . . . our plan is to do it as long as it works. If it becomes an issue, we aren't going to stress.

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  22. kelly @kellynaturallyFebruary 27, 2012 at 5:49 AM

    I turned my first at 14 months because... she never. stopped. screaming. in. the. car.

    Truth be told, she didn't stop screaming at that point... but at least I could reach her better & she could see me. So, it helped.

    I wrote this... not about turning around early, but about screaming. I feel you.

    http://www.kellynaturally.com/post/The-Car-Seat-Screamer-Blues.aspx

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  23. UnknownFebruary 27, 2012 at 5:58 AM

    Boy - this is something that I debated and debated and debated about. My daughter was a screaming banshee EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. we put her near her carseat. She would get so hysterical that she would barf continuously. Car rides were obnoxious. But at one year of age, she was still only 18 pounds. So yeah - I just couldn't turn her. But golly did I want to. I still want to. But she is still only 25 pounds at 3 years old. Being so tiny I just cannot bring myself to do it. Maybe when she is four. But at least she has stopped barfing every car ride! :)

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  24. Patti @ Jazzy MamaFebruary 27, 2012 at 6:15 AM

    I've taken it a step farther--I hate carseats so much that I REFUSED to use a bucket style carseat that snaps in and out of the car. For my infants, I used a rear facing seat that can be turned forward facing at 12 months old (which I did within seconds of their first b-days!), but which stayed permanently in the car. Honestly, the sight of infants sitting INDOORS in bucket carseats makes me sick to my stomach, so I won't even use one. It does make people ask questions when they see me lift my BABY out of the car instead of the bucket carseat!

    I'm so proud of you for writing this post. YOU are not alone.

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    Replies
    1. tlryderFebruary 27, 2012 at 6:51 AM

      Patti, my kids are teens now, but I still remember how bewildered I used to feel when I'd see people struggling under the load of a bucket seat with a baby in it! Or those ones stroller-attachments for them. It seemed like people would always end up carting the baby on one shoulder while trying to push the empty, heavy, carseat/stroller with the other. Sure, you can put packages in the stroller, but you'd be so much better off with a sling and a proper package trolley. :)

      Delete
    2. OliviaFebruary 27, 2012 at 7:51 AM

      We only used a convertible seat, too. I hate those baby buckets, not to mention they are a waste of money since they can only be used for a few months.

      I turned my daughter around at 16 months, and I don't even have the excuse that she was a screamer. I just saw her twisting around to see when we were driving and how she fought to be buckled in and decided it was time.

      I still think the relative safety of RF vs FF depends on what direction a car accident comes from, so it's all a crap shoot.

      Delete
  25. AdrienneFebruary 27, 2012 at 2:51 PM

    I love that you started this confessional a year ago! Doesn't it feel good to just be honest via the safety of the web! And great point about there being evidence to support the opinions of, well, all opinions. Each decision needs to be that of the parents, not solely on research. Each family has different needs!

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  26. GauriFebruary 27, 2012 at 4:04 PM

    Wow, this got a lot of responses and I have not read them all. But I want to say I am with you, in exactly the same boat. Crunchy as they come AND I turned my kid's seat forward at 11 months, actually. Thank goodness. I am lucky that nobody stopped talking to me over it... but yeah, I do think I have very much broken crunchy ranks in doing this and for the same reasons as you. Baby cried a lot. Sad. I do not regret it either. Keeping her rear facing was a bigger hazard than turning her forward, honestly... although it was a horrible gamble of a choice to have to make. I hear you. I feel for you... with you. Thanks for your honesty,
    Gauri
    LovingEarthMama.com

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  27. Mama MooreFebruary 27, 2012 at 4:12 PM

    Although we waited a little longer, we turned Abigail for a lot of the same reasons! I appreciate your honesty!

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  28. Hippie_Mama_KatFebruary 29, 2012 at 1:18 AM

    We turned our daughter for the same reason, along with the fact that our family car is an 80's camaro.. and let me just say we were lucky her seat fits even forward facing! There was no chance of safely fitting it rear facing.

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  29. Darcel {The Mahogany Way}March 4, 2012 at 6:52 PM

    I wish I could say that I'm shocked that people quit talking to you because of this. It's not even about them! This is your child, not theirs. It's really none of their business why you turned her, or when. I am so sick of people and their sanctimonious attitudes over every little thing. You are a great mom for realizing what your daughter needed and supplying it.

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  30. LauraApril 20, 2012 at 4:32 PM

    Wandering in late...my firstborn, we turned around at 2 years. If he had screamed constantly it would have been a year sooner, period! Tripling (or worse) your risk of accident while making sure the baby has maximum protection in an accident is not a win!

    Now my new little guy is a rear-facing rider. Sometimes he takes it well, sometimes he fusses, rarely he does scream. We'll see what he's doing when he's old enough to consider turning (right now I'd be violating local law, as well as my own sensibilities, on both age and weight - he's only 4.5 months and maybe 17 pounds).

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  31. Rebecca M.September 7, 2012 at 9:45 PM

    We kept our oldest son RF until almost age 3 (I would have kept him longer but was getting a lot of pressure from my husband, and he started putting our son FF in his car when they went places together, so I finally gave in). I bought a jumbo sized backseat mirror so we could see each other and always gave him toys, books, etc. He never had a bucket seat (straight into convertible from birth) but he did scream during car rides for the first few months. I can't imagine if he'd continued screaming his whole first year (or beyond), but I think that turning him FF early would have been my absolute last resort. I would tell moms to take this article with a HUGE grain of salt and not feel justified in rushing to flout the new recommendations (which are soundly based in science and are a long time coming). Try chiropractic care, a different car seat, buying a large mirror, even playing DVDs for the baby before you FF. I *do* think it's a real risk, and so do a lot of well-informed people in the medical and automotive industries.

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  32. ShannonSeptember 7, 2012 at 11:10 PM

    I don't think this is an "article" and I'm certainly not trying to convince people that this is the right idea. This is a personal story on my blog about how we made a decision. I in no way argue with the scientific findings on car seat safety, and encourage people to keep their children rear facing for as long as possible.
    Also, my daughter was 1 when we turned her around, and showed no interest at all in screens for over a year after that. A DVD would not have helped the screaming. Neither did chiropractic care. She is still (at 4) unhappy to ride in the car, and if she's anything like I was, she won't until she is able to drive herself.

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  33. EarthMamasWorldSeptember 8, 2012 at 10:28 AM

    Love this post! Children are individuals and what works for one quite possibly won't work for another. Two of my three were forward facing on their very first birthday :)

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