Saturday, April 30, 2005

How to move to California

1)Let fiance accept job with amazing benefits and relocation packages. They will pay to move almost everything involved, except for pets and trailers, plus they won't care if you pack some of your stuff yourself *cough*Boeing*cough*. This will leave you with the horrible feeling that nothing is coordinated for the move, since you haven't taken care of anything, but it's much easier on your back and cell phone bill, so go along with it.
*********When one small part isn't taken care of properly, but the solution is remedied immediately, feel free to throw a temper tantrum at fiance anyway. You deserve it!
2)Put snakes and plants in car before packing people show up. Decide you can leave them there. Right before you leave, fiance will decide to clean out cages so that the car doesn't smell like dirty snakes for the whole trip down. Bring them in the house for a quick swim and drink. Find drinking snakes insanely cute. Watch one snake drink for five minutes straight.
*********Before taking Famine back out to the car, check to make sure that no mothers with small children are walking by the front door. Infants may be snack sized, and the legal problems resulting would foul up plans for leaving today.
3)Northern Oregon's I-5 has been designed by drugged monkeys. Do not, under any circumstances, get off the highway.
*********When you do get off the highway, realize that making a hairpin left turn across three lanes of traffic to get back on as directed is insane with the trailer, despite being worth an extra 10,000 points. Taking a longer route is recommended for novice players.
4)Give fiance rundown on what constitutes acceptable dining options. Explain complicated system: Sherry's is below Dennys but above IHOP. Waffle House is below everything, including Jack in the Box.
*********No matter how prominently it is listed on the lodgings available sign, McDonalds will not let you sleep there.
5)Bring a book to read out loud. This helps pass the time, plus it's cute.
*********Decide that you like the Wicked Witch of the West, for no other reason then that she is green. Green is a good color.
6)Don't be a backseat driver, or a passenger's seat driver as the case may be. It will be a less stressful trip for you if you just give up all driving decisions. Decide this doesn't apply when he still hasn't called Steve when we are two hours away. Remind him to get gas while you are at it, and explain how to properly merge in heavy traffic with a trailer. Sigh to self since fiance doesn't know this already.
*********When car almost runs out of gas, you may be tempted to begin giving out instructions. Don't do it. Imagine instead that if the car runs out of gas because he isn't paying attention, the answer as to who gets to walk to the gas station is obvious. This thought is even more appealing the second time it almost happens.
7)Stop in Redding for lunch. Find the Cafe that fashion forgot. It smells good, and the customers appear to be locals. It will turn out to be a chinese/american place. Do not be dissuaded by the fact that it was last redecorated in the 60's.
*********Order the beef with broccoli. It is extremely tasty. There is only a tiny amount of rice, but a large amount of broccoli.
8)Stare out window at the wildflowers. Be glad you are doing this in spring when there are more flowers. Wonder why the Scotch Broom cuts off suddenly in southern Washington and never reappears.
*********You will see large clumps of beautiful purple flowers. You will be reminded of [info]mspurplepearl. Laugh to self and wish you had a camera. Remember how poorly all the photos you took out the car window of wildflowers turned out on your last trip. Wish instead that you could capture the color of the flowers and surrounding foliage in fabric.
9)Arrive at temporary house in Sunnyvale. Take a bath and stick tongue out at fiance.
*********Watch out for Dampires. Laugh hysterically over the many bad Buffy puns floating through your head. Be glad you aren't staying in Santa Clara as you didn't like Lost Boys that much anyway.


  1. Love this how-to! I now want to watch a drinking snake.

    I also wonder if you ever did capture the flowers' color in fabric.

    1. Nope. I don't even remember what they looked like, except that there was a lot of purple, since I wanted to show Pearl. I should do the drive again, now that I have a better camera.

  2. I was giggling out loud whilst reading this, moving is so stressful, I love how you made it humorous ;)

  3. Oh my too funny! I agree with Christine, moving is so stressful, but I like your take on it! We are moving in a couple of months and having read this will help me get through it :-)